Five of Lit’s Most Colorful Vamps and What to Do if You Met Them
Okay, so it’s October and we all love vampires—even if you roll your eyes and swear you don’t. They’re, for lack of a smoother word, cool: metaphorically and usually physically. By most definitions, they’re sophisticated, fashionable, knowledgeable, and their flirtation skills are downright otherworldly. Others, from the dusty attics of literature, would send you pelting towards civilization. Well—every vampire should make you do that, actually. Below is a list of five night stalkers in literature and what you should probably do if you find yourself up against them. Because, honestly, if they’ve already seen you there’s no escape. You might as well have fun then, right? CAUTION: this features mostly Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles characters, simply because she created such a vast and fascinating cast.
- The One to Drink Coffee, Wax Poetic and Read a Book With: Louis de Pont du Lac. A young French Creole from Louisiana, Louis is a dark-haired introvert whose wide green eyes will take in whatever you have to talk about, because he’s a listener, not to mention a great storyteller. You could sit together and gently ruminate your mortality (or lack thereof), or just read. Louis seems like a guy who could sit and read for long stretches of time. He could also teach you French and describe what Louisiana was like before the United States was the United states…if you’re in to being tres bilingual and stuff.
- The One to Gossip, Shop, and Pull an All-Nighter with: Lestat de Lioncourt. If you can iron-plate your self-esteem and manage to stand this flamboyant, fashionable Frenchman from the 1700s, your night will be wild. Lestat has, at turns, been an actor, wolf-catcher, nobleman, author, and world-famous singer. Locating this loud-mouthed, six-foot-tall blondie with gray eyes shouldn’t be too hard and you can roast every poorly dressed, culture-starved Neanderthal who dares cross your path. He’ll no doubt scowl at your outfit coordination, drag you to some store where prices have to be requested, and buy you a new wardrobe while prattling on about topics you’d find in a copy of Us Weekly. No doubt you’ll end the night exhausted, drunk, and probably a seething with jealous annoyance, but you’ll have incredible stories to tell afterward.
- The One to Have Jam Sessions with: Nicholas de Lenfent. “Nicki,” an ancient bro of Lestat’s, plays one mean violin. It’s probably because he took lessons from Mozart. And, improv? He’s your man. As long as you’re cool with the jam session lasting until fatigue literally causes you to pass out, Nicki will show you a hell of a good time. I really do mean ‘hell.’ The guy doesn’t stop playing. And his compositions might sound dark and insane; Nicki is one of those ‘tortured’ artists who always hover next to the abyss of depression. However, he’ll be your jam buddy for however long you need him!
- The One to Emulate da Vinci/Destroy Your Enemies with: Armand is your boy—uh, man? Over five hundred years old, Armand is an eternal Russian teen who resembles a Botticelli painting and earned the moniker “vagabond angel of Satan” from his fellow creatures of the night. This slight seventeen-year old with reddish-brown hair and big brown eyes will be equally willing to head off to some loft and paint with the skill of an Italian Master to your heart’s content—or he can shoot death threats telepathically into the minds of those you hate. Why not both?
- The One to Scream Latin Incantations At: Count Dracula. Just…no. Do NOT sign up to be an estate agent to this guy. Don’t do it. He’s silent, and starving, and he’ll have you all alone in his castle ruin in the middle of a developing country. Also, he’s in that Baltic region where there’s currently turmoil and civil unrest, so don’t count on anyone being super keen to come pick you up. On the plus side, history buffs will love playing Indiana Jones while exploring said castle ruins…just remember you’re also playing Cat-and-Mouse, and losing ends with a super old guy clamped onto your neck in the very worst way possible.
The One to Stay Away From: all of them. Are you dumb?! I know vampires are suave and attractive and, if they’re one of the older ones, they have eons’ worth of remarkable dinner conversation, but NO. Don’t go looking. If you pass under a streetlight and the guy walking towards you on a sidewalk has his eyes go all reflective like a cat’s? Scram. If you notice the cutie patootie in your Starbucks orders dark roast everyday but never seems to finish her cup, do not engage her on her thoughts on Vonnegut. If you show up to a Halloween party and someone’s costume is just too darn well done—Oh snap, that doublet looks ancient! How did you know all this bourgeoisie etiquette stuff?—it’s time to pull a Cinderella and make an exit. That, or come prepared with Van Helsing as your altar ego. J
Yours,
Rachael Kosinski
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Rachael is the author of The Christmas Lights.
